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Apr 28

Nigel’s Tank Envy

Today, we have the honour of spoiling Nigel’s big election finale. Over the last few weeks, the Nation of OOOG has been in talks with a private owner of military vehicles in Birchington, Thanet. We managed to secure a deal with him to rent a 432 Armoured Personnel Carrier, to use for a few hours on Election Day for the price of £225. We got a call from the owner this morning saying the deal was off, citing “insurance problems”. His tone was wavering, unsure. He was lying.

We investigated, and sure enough we received a tip-off that we were out-bidded by UKIP. Nigel Farage plans to rent a tank and drive it around Thanet in the days running up to the election. He has done it before, appearing on a tank at the Heywood by-election last October. He has also stated in the Telegraph that he has “big plans” for the election itself. These are those plans.

We have sent this story out and it is breaking in other outlets as we speak. Nigel, your big surprise is now ruined. We got there first – as usual – and our contacts have exposed your bribery.

You thought you’d look the part in that tank didn’t you, Nigel? Surprising the world with another big, British-made stunt.

“I’m-a-big-man-and-not-like-the-establishment-and-oh-it’s just-a-bit-of-fun…surprise!”, he bleats.

Well, it’s not a surprise any more, Nigel. Now it’s:

“oh, Nigel’s in a tank again. As expected. How predictable”.

If we can’t rent that tank, Nigel – neither can you.

OOOG AKBAR

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